Goblin Feed

I'm surrounded by soggy piles of tissues.   The air in my room is fetid. I've crumpled my sheets into mangled knots around my unenergetic legs. I've soaked them through with sweat and sadness.  It's too hot for a comforter but I lack the motivation to remove it. My clothes are all hanging in awkward crumply loops around my body  I'm eating nasty concoctions of boiled mushrooms, chickens, and a host of odd things that claim to be medicines all stirred up in a boggy soup. Uops, there is a soupy stain dribbled down my shirt. I sniffle cloggily and find that my lungs make a tired and unenthusiastic bagpipe noise. My hair has taken on a particularly fine pattern of knots and dishevelment.   My skin is looking greyish in the fragments of light that have filtered past my barricaded windows.  It could be noon or even 3 in the afternoon, but almost no light is coming into my caveroom.  It's dark and oppressive, just the way I like it. Perhaps I've come dow...

First, align all your sheets and pillows perfectly so that you can satisfactorily mess them up. Then add to the bed a collection of uncomfortable things to sleep on top of, books, laptops, paper, and pens, the harder and pointier they are the better.   Make sure some of the objects end up underneath edges of the blankets and some of them on top so you don't know where any of them are really. Then bunch up your blankets into the perfect nesting configurations.  Piled and heaped and knotted and only covering random portions of the bed.   Now clump and mush your pillows up into lumpy and odd shapes. Next pick your favorite object, such as a rusty screwdriver or a moldy turnip, and place it near the pillows so you can cuddle with it in the night. Throw yourself into this misshapen nest and flail about with your limbs until you are just as tangled amidst the pillows and blankets as they are with each other.   Now you are ready for the finest night of goblin...

You know you're a Goblin when you go to order pizza and you feel compelled to leave special requests like this: And the real tell is that they have a pet spider named Frank who guards the tomatoes.  I would like to know who tried to hurt Frank before; because that just seems rude.  Not so long ago at my house, a nice little hovel full of Goblins, we had a pet spider named Groot.  He guarded the roses against pests. 

Here is a nice gobliny sentiment for you.  Thank you to @TragicAllyHere for this beautifully swampy description.   I don't think we could be any prouder of her.  Such a great goblin.  We could all aspire to be a particularly rusty bucket with haunted bog water inside.  

Every Goblin worth his moisture knows that the heights of culinary excellence can only be achieved with a pinch of nausea.   So, I, Gibbles recommend this old goblin recipe I got from my good friend Stoglick of the Bogsog Poghoggles. Acquire a half-eaten hamburger with extra drippy sauce and leave it for three days to ferment to perfection inside its greasy wrapper in the rear dash of a car.  It will taste extra good if you can do this in someone else's car when they aren't looking.  In a pinch, you can leave it on a sunny picnic table for four days.   Next, poke some sticks from an abandoned bird's nest through the wrapper and the hamburger and out the other side of the wrapper to give it some crunch and to help hold it together.   For the final touches, you simply need to prepare yourself.  Find a sunny rock and bake yourself upon it until you feel the moisture leave your body and your eyes start to feel shriveled in the heat and you have o...

I walk in with all the dignity I can muster and the interviewer still looks at me a little warily.  I adjust my mask a little to appear more presentable.  They start telling me about the position and I start nervously ripping my spare copy of my resume into little bits.  I then casually begin eating them behind my mask as they ask routine questions about my background.  When they start asking about my experience I enthusiastically rip off my mask and eat my pen in one gulp with one hand and reach for theirs with the other.  I crunch it thoroughly with one chomp and they admit that I am a strong candidate in obvious shock and admiration.  Unfortunately, I couldn't hear their other compliments as security pulled me out of the building.   #goblinculture

  Hi all, it is I, Gibbles the Goblin.   Actually, I'm a hobgoblin.  That is, I'm an English goblin that likes playing tricks.   Yes, that's me, I'm a trickster. And a Goblin. And this is my Goblin Feed, a place for my interests and stories.